1. “You did what with my secretary?” he mayor asks the alien. “Relax,” the alien replies. “All I did was…” 2. “Remove her brain, put it in a coconut, and add a few ‘Mr. Potato Head’ parts!” 3. “This could come back to haunt me,” the mayor thinks. “It does some cool yo-yo tricks!” the […]
1. “Break open the bubbly, Miss Zweig!” the mayor exclaims to his secretary. 2. He sweeps her off her feet. “We got $500,000 dollars for the property on industrial way, one million for road repair… and donations toward my re-election!” 3. “And all I had to do was sell this town to an alien scientist,” […]
1. “We used to manufacture can openers here, and this road was paved once,” the mayor explains to the alien as they look at an abandoned factory. 2. “You have devices to open cans?” the alien asks. “Yeah, why?” 3. “We just chew ’em open,” the alien replies.
1. “So you want to build a state-of-the-art research lab in Terminal Moraine?” the mayor asks the alien. “Correct, Earthling Mayor!” 2. “And there are dollars in this project for my cooperation?” “Indeed! But first…” 3. “…I must evaluate your town’s infrastructure.” “I hear that flushing sound again,” thinks the mayor.
1. The mayor mopes in his dingy office. “My political career is in the toilet,” he thinks. 2. “Might as well sit back and enjoy the downhill ride,” he thinks, reaching for a martini. BZZZ, the phone rings. 3. “Mr. Mayor,” his secretary calls, “an alien scientist is here to see you.” “Crap,” he thinks, […]
1. The alien taps an unsuspecting loiterer on the shoulder. 2. “GREETINGS EARTHLING!” the alien exclaims to the surprised loiterer. 3. “First contact is always so hard,” the alien thinks as the loiterer faints.
1. The alien beams down to earth. 2. He spots intelligent life. 3. The alien approaches a man walking his dog. “Take me to your leader!” he says to the dog.
1. The alien searched the entire earth. 2. (France) But decided to study 3. (New Guinea) the most exotic place of all… 4. The U.S.A. (Welcome to Terminal Moraine!)
1. In Terminal Moraine, Satan is a chicken, 2. Baseball players are bats, 3. Flamingos are mechanical, 4. And tourists live in fear.
1. Towns need rulers. This town is ruled by an alien. 2. He owns the mayor (he gives him cash). 3. He conducts experiments (the “probe”). 4. He makes loyal citizens (take one coconut, insert human brain, and add “Mr. Potato Head” accessories- it loves the alien).
1. All towns need baseball. Terminal Moraine has a team. 2. The “Moraine Mudballers…” 3. The finest assemblage of bats ever to fill out a line-up. (The players, of course, are bats.)
1. Towns need religion. “Forgive O wrathful one,” pleads a prostrate worshipper. 2. And prickly preachers. “Repent!” Exhorts one cactus to another. 3. To tell people how awful they really are. “I already know,” confesses the alien.
1. Towns need law and order… “My dandelion garden!” frets the alien as the flamingo-bot munches his dandelions. 2. …a need filled by “The Karate Fungus…” The Karate Fungus practices the crane stance on a piling by the sea. 3. …defender of peace and justice! The Karate Fungus comes to the rescue with a flying […]
1. Towns need upstanding citizens. “Time is money,” thinks the great blue heron, checking his watch. 2. “Money is power,” he thinks, slipping the great egret a few bucks. 3. “Power… is relative,” the thinks again as the egret accepts a suitcase of cash from a black-crowned night heron.
Gilligan Pistachio emerged from his mental fog. The intercom buzzed a second time. Miss Zweig, his sexy secretary, was calling to him in Brooklynese. “Mistah Mayah.” Gil picked up the handset. “What is it?” “Mistah Mayah, an alien scientist is here to see you.” Gil opened his mouth to answer but didn’t say anything. Alone […]